As a kid I just loved. Loved the people who were near and loved me for me. Whoever I might have been as a tiny body and mind. One of the people who loved me in a "it just matters to be loved this way" was Uncle Wally.
My Uncle Wally is brilliant, hilarious, inspiring, beautiful both physically and mentally, he loves to sing and dance and dress in Drag X) He is an entertainer. Half lion and half man- because he has the most beautiful main of blond hair in the world, and because he is so fierce. Uncle Wally was by far the person I remember as a child who made my existence as connected to him completely plain and understandable. He expected me to be me- and he loved me always. Uncle Wally has always called me his "Angel". ("Come here my little Angel"... every time I saw him)
My Uncle happens to be a homosexual. Not that this fact matters at all except it matters in my idea of acceptance and unconditional love= God. I of course was told silly things about "gay people"- all this did was redefine my idea of god. These people apparently didn't know what they were talking about.
But here is the cool part. Uncle Wally never spoke to me about God. He just showed me God. He told me I was beautiful when I could not see it, he showed me he loved me unconditionally, he taught me how to do nice things for others and for myself, he never told me I wasn't good enough, and in his career he lead by example- he has been successful at everything he ever tried to do. These descriptive words aren't working, so i will use memories.
One of my earliest and most favorite memories is when I was about five or six. I was sitting watching T.V. in my dress in the living room alone. Uncle Wally busted through the front door and cried "My Angel! My Darling!! I have missed you soooo much!!" He was wearing torn jeans and a flannel plaid button up(stylish of course), he is a gasping must be 6'4 without boots but always in boots so glamorously tall! At that time his hair must have been past his shoulders, blues eyes, and always tan, always fit and trim. Just the most beautiful person you could ever see. He scooped me up- and gave me a giant hug. Being in his arms kept me so far away from the ground- I felt like I was flying. No one else ever made me fell so special.
Once when I was puberty stricken and Oh So socially awkward. Uncle Wally came to visit- he took me on a girl date LOL- that day he taught me how to get free make up and perfume samples from some fancy stores- and he still called me his "Beautiful Angel". We were in the car and I was being shy- because I had learned to not embrace me since the last time he saw me. He asked me if I liked the song "Smooth" by Santana and Rob Thomas. Before I could answer he sang in his very deep voice every word of the song while dancing and making the funniest faces just to make me laugh. xD
Uncle Wally is the strongest person I know. When he was young he fell in love with a man. They were together for quite sometime, but they found out his partner was dying of Aids and that Uncle Wally too tested positive. He lost the love of his life- and has fought for over twenty or even thirty years through surgery and medication. I was told today that he was doing very poorly.The biggest thing I fear for him is his own fear. As people have told me, they told him- he would go to hell because of who he was- who he loved.
I know he will not.
He doesn't know yet what he has given me. He called me his angel, but he is my "Picture of God". He has given me the freedom to be me- whoever that is. To Him, I am eternally grateful. If you read this- would you mind sending him prayers and/or positive thoughts his way. Thanks.
mas
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Who are you? No, Really. . .
So, in the last few forevers of my life- I have contemplated what makes "I". Today I'm touching on the social norms that confine us and I am breaking a few of them myself.
I don't want to limit this only to the feminine readers, but as a person of female anatomy- I can relate to stereotypes that are placed on women. Obviously this topic is huge- but I am hoping to inspire people to look at themselves as individuals- outside of the norms they are supposed to be placed in and welcome you to feel not alone in all of the expectations you do not meet.
When any particular individual looks in the mirror, they see a color, a face, what they are to themselves(who they think other people see), but more even- they may see themselves- not the body- but who they are dispite thier physical limitations. This can be an abrassive topic because many people think/feel we are born into gender. Instead of argueing that we are not- I will just say there is evidence that says thats not true.
People are born of both polarities:- feminine or masculine in matching bodies and in "unmatching" bodies. There are people born with imcomplete sets of both genitalia(DNA)- people who are men by day ladies by night, and the list goes on. There are people who feel they are neither male nor female. Some people say this is an abomination- but I am pretty sure the bible says we are made in God's image- so maybe the bible is wrong. But I don't think it is. (not that particular part anyway X)
Today as you are walking about your day- notice body language. Often growing up women and men learn how a gender is to carry themselves. (Typically) Men will walk with longer strides than women, make eye contact and not smile( will not be the first to look away when seen observing others), shoulders out, elbows out, knees out when sitting, not usually cossing legs or ankles, wrists out, neck out. Women generally keep gaze down or will smile upon someone noticing them observing others, elbows, knees, ankles together, wrists held to body, chin down(not up) to protect vital arteries in the neck.
Some people may read this and think it's crap- but really just observe. If you are a girl make eye contact with someone and try not to smile, sit on a bus and sit with your legs open- with your shoulders out- keep your head up and nonchalantly look at people and don't look away. (if dining don't use a straw)
If your a dude, cross your legs, or ankles, smile at people if you make eye contact, be the first to look away, (drink from a straw), sit with your elbows in, sit with your legs together. Not all people will have the hardest time doing this. I know I do, sitting with my legs open is extremely alien- but I wonder if thats from habit and knowing that others will see me and judge me.
When people break these norms- people start to question your sexuality(or you integrity). My biggest question is why is sexuality such a big thing to everyone? When you look at someone do you see sexuality because you want to know how other people may or may not connect to you? Is it so that you can judge if you can pursue or not pursue? As I have mentioned before- (or wondered)- If you only see a gender when you look at someone- how do you know you actually care about that person as an individual and not as an object to be had or even just admnired. When you see the body as mostly the person- how much are you missing?
Reflection: when we look in the mirror- we see our own face, our own bodies and we know what they "should" look like, because we see images all the time about who we are supposed to look like. Men- broad shoulders, thin waist, muscles, don't cry, don't show emotion, anger if anything, have the answer, lead don't follow/ Women- emphasize those breasts, thin waist, emphasize those hips-but not too much, where's the make up?, do something with the hair- cute if short, pretty if long, don't speak first, don't initiate.
For both- lighter/clear skin is better, thinner is better, tall is better- money is better.
How often do we fake these? How often do we not? It's not bad to be one or the other-but often we are not satisfied with what we see/or how we feel because we want to be something else. I have met some many beautiful people who feel they need to change themselves to be happy- Physically or inwardly they didn't think they were "right" enough to be good enough. many people know their family would have issues with them being different-not the norm. How many individuals are sacrificed in the name of convention?
Challenge to you, do something out of the norm- bask in it.
Happy Thanksgiving.
MAS
I don't want to limit this only to the feminine readers, but as a person of female anatomy- I can relate to stereotypes that are placed on women. Obviously this topic is huge- but I am hoping to inspire people to look at themselves as individuals- outside of the norms they are supposed to be placed in and welcome you to feel not alone in all of the expectations you do not meet.
When any particular individual looks in the mirror, they see a color, a face, what they are to themselves(who they think other people see), but more even- they may see themselves- not the body- but who they are dispite thier physical limitations. This can be an abrassive topic because many people think/feel we are born into gender. Instead of argueing that we are not- I will just say there is evidence that says thats not true.
People are born of both polarities:- feminine or masculine in matching bodies and in "unmatching" bodies. There are people born with imcomplete sets of both genitalia(DNA)- people who are men by day ladies by night, and the list goes on. There are people who feel they are neither male nor female. Some people say this is an abomination- but I am pretty sure the bible says we are made in God's image- so maybe the bible is wrong. But I don't think it is. (not that particular part anyway X)
Today as you are walking about your day- notice body language. Often growing up women and men learn how a gender is to carry themselves. (Typically) Men will walk with longer strides than women, make eye contact and not smile( will not be the first to look away when seen observing others), shoulders out, elbows out, knees out when sitting, not usually cossing legs or ankles, wrists out, neck out. Women generally keep gaze down or will smile upon someone noticing them observing others, elbows, knees, ankles together, wrists held to body, chin down(not up) to protect vital arteries in the neck.
Some people may read this and think it's crap- but really just observe. If you are a girl make eye contact with someone and try not to smile, sit on a bus and sit with your legs open- with your shoulders out- keep your head up and nonchalantly look at people and don't look away. (if dining don't use a straw)
If your a dude, cross your legs, or ankles, smile at people if you make eye contact, be the first to look away, (drink from a straw), sit with your elbows in, sit with your legs together. Not all people will have the hardest time doing this. I know I do, sitting with my legs open is extremely alien- but I wonder if thats from habit and knowing that others will see me and judge me.
When people break these norms- people start to question your sexuality(or you integrity). My biggest question is why is sexuality such a big thing to everyone? When you look at someone do you see sexuality because you want to know how other people may or may not connect to you? Is it so that you can judge if you can pursue or not pursue? As I have mentioned before- (or wondered)- If you only see a gender when you look at someone- how do you know you actually care about that person as an individual and not as an object to be had or even just admnired. When you see the body as mostly the person- how much are you missing?
Reflection: when we look in the mirror- we see our own face, our own bodies and we know what they "should" look like, because we see images all the time about who we are supposed to look like. Men- broad shoulders, thin waist, muscles, don't cry, don't show emotion, anger if anything, have the answer, lead don't follow/ Women- emphasize those breasts, thin waist, emphasize those hips-but not too much, where's the make up?, do something with the hair- cute if short, pretty if long, don't speak first, don't initiate.
For both- lighter/clear skin is better, thinner is better, tall is better- money is better.
How often do we fake these? How often do we not? It's not bad to be one or the other-but often we are not satisfied with what we see/or how we feel because we want to be something else. I have met some many beautiful people who feel they need to change themselves to be happy- Physically or inwardly they didn't think they were "right" enough to be good enough. many people know their family would have issues with them being different-not the norm. How many individuals are sacrificed in the name of convention?
Challenge to you, do something out of the norm- bask in it.
Happy Thanksgiving.
MAS
Monday, November 21, 2011
If this is Hell. . .
I'm glad I am not anywhere else. I apologize if that sounds blasphemous- I am about to elaborate. XD
Last blog post got me thinking about autonomy. The individual will- both in philosophical readings and in biblical terms. Knowledge of self, separate from others and nature, came from the forbidden fruit. There may be debate on what was gained and what was lost, but knowledge that gave us the ability to see ourselves as separate and the knowledge to be wicked smart came about, no? x)
When the serpent said we'd be like God- was that "the will"? or was that knowledge/ self awareness? Anywho- with all the talk of love and autonomy- I began romancing on how beautiful they are together.
And how without the individual "will" human love would just be very much like that of what we see on the discovery channel- pink bottomed monkeys and zebras getting eaten for dinner. Boring stuff- mostly X) when speaking of love.
What I realized after writing the last blog is. . . It's hard to stay true to that example and even when you want to meet your ideals- they are just that- lofty goals. Realistically they are not always met: and how beautiful is the real world with all of our mistakes? I wonder if the Christian God is real if It just stares in love forever with our disobedience? What is more heartbreaking and more beautiful that the human will taken over by insanity- a.k.a- Love? xD
I just finished(finally) the Unbearable Lightness of Being. The end was astonishing. Hideous and inspiring. In Milan's description of Tereza's longing for Eden-esq love in Thomas- I realized, to me, his definition is wrong. The reason love between people is so special is that we can fight for one another. While autonomy should be respected- in the real world you are always battling between the self and how you can easily live with/please/yadda yadda someone you love. Because as individuals- two people come together to make a relationship and the separate wills clash. The ability to find a compromise- "the will" used to work together is something other animals don't really have to worry about, and that is beautifully special.
Granted some people don't ever do this, but when you see it, it is almost miraculous. 15 or 20 years together makes my mind seize- WTF!? How was it done?!! I'm not talking about those boring perfect people, or the really miserable ones- I am talking about the ones that argue in front of you and then kiss at a compromise.
I am glad at our mistake, if that's really how things played out. (If God is all knowing, did God know upon creating us that we'd be a stupidly beautiful, disobedient puddle of people?) Because while the idea is always to respect the other individual- there are moments where you are completely consumed- and to not be so is Hell. And there are moments when you consume and to not be felt or to be eluded is Hell. When all you want is that other person- and when you have each other- you clash- and it is Heaven. I love my ideals, and I love my own sin. I love our mistake. And I can only conclude that God does too.
Ending note- If we had not eluded God in disobedience- would it be as beautiful for us to love God? Non-human animals may love God, but aren't we humans just a Love story? Genesis begins with God becoming a hurt lover and wanting our will to concede to God's own. And when we do we get Heaven- and when we don't we get Hell. A friend tried to explain this to me recently and it sounded hideous- and it just fell into place just now- it's not that God(lover) wants to completely consume- it's the reaching out- it's the compromise that shows real love. It's the giving of the self in the act of love. . . DAMN! that's a cool epiphany to have while writing a blog. X)
Peace,
MAS
Last blog post got me thinking about autonomy. The individual will- both in philosophical readings and in biblical terms. Knowledge of self, separate from others and nature, came from the forbidden fruit. There may be debate on what was gained and what was lost, but knowledge that gave us the ability to see ourselves as separate and the knowledge to be wicked smart came about, no? x)
When the serpent said we'd be like God- was that "the will"? or was that knowledge/ self awareness? Anywho- with all the talk of love and autonomy- I began romancing on how beautiful they are together.
And how without the individual "will" human love would just be very much like that of what we see on the discovery channel- pink bottomed monkeys and zebras getting eaten for dinner. Boring stuff- mostly X) when speaking of love.
What I realized after writing the last blog is. . . It's hard to stay true to that example and even when you want to meet your ideals- they are just that- lofty goals. Realistically they are not always met: and how beautiful is the real world with all of our mistakes? I wonder if the Christian God is real if It just stares in love forever with our disobedience? What is more heartbreaking and more beautiful that the human will taken over by insanity- a.k.a- Love? xD
I just finished(finally) the Unbearable Lightness of Being. The end was astonishing. Hideous and inspiring. In Milan's description of Tereza's longing for Eden-esq love in Thomas- I realized, to me, his definition is wrong. The reason love between people is so special is that we can fight for one another. While autonomy should be respected- in the real world you are always battling between the self and how you can easily live with/please/yadda yadda someone you love. Because as individuals- two people come together to make a relationship and the separate wills clash. The ability to find a compromise- "the will" used to work together is something other animals don't really have to worry about, and that is beautifully special.
Granted some people don't ever do this, but when you see it, it is almost miraculous. 15 or 20 years together makes my mind seize- WTF!? How was it done?!! I'm not talking about those boring perfect people, or the really miserable ones- I am talking about the ones that argue in front of you and then kiss at a compromise.
I am glad at our mistake, if that's really how things played out. (If God is all knowing, did God know upon creating us that we'd be a stupidly beautiful, disobedient puddle of people?) Because while the idea is always to respect the other individual- there are moments where you are completely consumed- and to not be so is Hell. And there are moments when you consume and to not be felt or to be eluded is Hell. When all you want is that other person- and when you have each other- you clash- and it is Heaven. I love my ideals, and I love my own sin. I love our mistake. And I can only conclude that God does too.
Ending note- If we had not eluded God in disobedience- would it be as beautiful for us to love God? Non-human animals may love God, but aren't we humans just a Love story? Genesis begins with God becoming a hurt lover and wanting our will to concede to God's own. And when we do we get Heaven- and when we don't we get Hell. A friend tried to explain this to me recently and it sounded hideous- and it just fell into place just now- it's not that God(lover) wants to completely consume- it's the reaching out- it's the compromise that shows real love. It's the giving of the self in the act of love. . . DAMN! that's a cool epiphany to have while writing a blog. X)
Peace,
MAS
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Altruism meets Love (part one)
SO through conversation with loved ones recently- I am now blogging about ALTRUISM!!!!! (and the crowd goes wiiiyyyyllllld, ROAAAARRR!!!) XD And how its mysterious and how love and altruism playing out in real life looks strange. X)
Altruism- the act of giving selflessly for others without the benefit to self(not for ulterior motives). Duty is the moral obligation to something because this is right(b/c God says so or the social norm says so) and Loyalty can be distinguished as a separate role in emotions one might feel for government/family/yadda yadda-blah blah.
So enough with definitions! Altruism to me is the highest form of ideals(that despite some objection XD) I believed can be reached- and should be aimed for by the masses. Yes I know this is a big goal- I am not giving you my plan of action in this blog- I am giving you my mind. Suck it up.
People in their relationships whether they be deep or shallow or anywhere between- give and take. The metaphor I envision is each of us is an individual water well. We have reserves- maybe not equal in reserve, but all in the same way we have and when we interact we exchange with others those reserves.
Altruism is my way of life- I think I have posted before it's the reason I live. Many people I know don't even begin to comprehend what I mean when I say this, but I will try to explain in such a way that makes sense. I as a person experience life. As previously explained what we get from this experience is the ego- right? The individual- different from everyone else, the other. And I have questioned the individual outside of the whole- who are we without the others in our lives??? But all I can exclaim is- there is no you- with out "the other". Without other people filling your life- what are you? I can say I wouldn't want to live alone with no other human near me (granted I don't know what I have yet/never have experienced). But to me it is not what others give me that make me feel like serving others matters. It's that other people just matter in themselves. Helping others might have consequences that are good- but I feel if you go into situations pretending to give- only later to take- that's just fucked up. Yes I said it. You don't lend someone money now so that someone is obligated to give to you later. (some people do this- but that's not altruism-and I think it makes for pretty shitty relationships)
This altruism some say makes my life matter or makes me feel good. While these are side effects of consequences, there is a difference between my action- my intention- and the result of those actions.
The best way I can explain this is to give a real life example: (from life this isn't typical- maybe bc altruistic love is hard to come by but I have seen it) And it just felt so right. . . lol
In a romantic relationship two people show altruistic love and respect for one another by respecting what makes the other a happy, healthy, autonomous individual. Despite opposing feelings and examples- in a altruistic loving relationship we could care so much about the other that we could walk away from them- leave them to follow a life that they most want- even if that life is not you. To care so much about someone that you can do that for them. Obviously the other side of this relationship would consist in your whole life not being surrounded by someone else, but obviously deeply enriched by them. And while a big part of your life would be gone and you would be devastated to see them go- you'd be happy for them.
While love like relationships today view one side of this getting the short end of the stick, I truly feel two individuals who can do this for one another fulfill the other in never putting them in a conditional love situation. This is unconditional love. I love you always- no matter where you go- not matter what you do- despite how you are related to me- I love you- in all of you- forever and ever. Amen.
So yeah. I guess after giving the example a lot of people just don't get this. All I can say is my definition comes from youth- watching mistakes of others- and seeing examples that work. But its the way I feel we must love one another. Whether that be in friendships, romantic relationships, or small interactions with others.
I feel a part two coming- between the B12 flush burning my legs and my completely distracting companions- this is probably ADD and not exactly clear. So eat it up XD PART ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HIIYAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
MASSSSSSS
Altruism- the act of giving selflessly for others without the benefit to self(not for ulterior motives). Duty is the moral obligation to something because this is right(b/c God says so or the social norm says so) and Loyalty can be distinguished as a separate role in emotions one might feel for government/family/yadda yadda-blah blah.
So enough with definitions! Altruism to me is the highest form of ideals(that despite some objection XD) I believed can be reached- and should be aimed for by the masses. Yes I know this is a big goal- I am not giving you my plan of action in this blog- I am giving you my mind. Suck it up.
People in their relationships whether they be deep or shallow or anywhere between- give and take. The metaphor I envision is each of us is an individual water well. We have reserves- maybe not equal in reserve, but all in the same way we have and when we interact we exchange with others those reserves.
Altruism is my way of life- I think I have posted before it's the reason I live. Many people I know don't even begin to comprehend what I mean when I say this, but I will try to explain in such a way that makes sense. I as a person experience life. As previously explained what we get from this experience is the ego- right? The individual- different from everyone else, the other. And I have questioned the individual outside of the whole- who are we without the others in our lives??? But all I can exclaim is- there is no you- with out "the other". Without other people filling your life- what are you? I can say I wouldn't want to live alone with no other human near me (granted I don't know what I have yet/never have experienced). But to me it is not what others give me that make me feel like serving others matters. It's that other people just matter in themselves. Helping others might have consequences that are good- but I feel if you go into situations pretending to give- only later to take- that's just fucked up. Yes I said it. You don't lend someone money now so that someone is obligated to give to you later. (some people do this- but that's not altruism-and I think it makes for pretty shitty relationships)
This altruism some say makes my life matter or makes me feel good. While these are side effects of consequences, there is a difference between my action- my intention- and the result of those actions.
The best way I can explain this is to give a real life example: (from life this isn't typical- maybe bc altruistic love is hard to come by but I have seen it) And it just felt so right. . . lol
In a romantic relationship two people show altruistic love and respect for one another by respecting what makes the other a happy, healthy, autonomous individual. Despite opposing feelings and examples- in a altruistic loving relationship we could care so much about the other that we could walk away from them- leave them to follow a life that they most want- even if that life is not you. To care so much about someone that you can do that for them. Obviously the other side of this relationship would consist in your whole life not being surrounded by someone else, but obviously deeply enriched by them. And while a big part of your life would be gone and you would be devastated to see them go- you'd be happy for them.
While love like relationships today view one side of this getting the short end of the stick, I truly feel two individuals who can do this for one another fulfill the other in never putting them in a conditional love situation. This is unconditional love. I love you always- no matter where you go- not matter what you do- despite how you are related to me- I love you- in all of you- forever and ever. Amen.
So yeah. I guess after giving the example a lot of people just don't get this. All I can say is my definition comes from youth- watching mistakes of others- and seeing examples that work. But its the way I feel we must love one another. Whether that be in friendships, romantic relationships, or small interactions with others.
I feel a part two coming- between the B12 flush burning my legs and my completely distracting companions- this is probably ADD and not exactly clear. So eat it up XD PART ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HIIYAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
MASSSSSSS
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Ego, Part Dos- Oh so Juicy xD
So many critics have stated my second blog did not hold enough of my own opinion. And that was so because I was also told that my first blog was too long. x) So as not leave my readers unsatisfied-I give you part Dos.
The self for me is a contradiction and an unexplained phenomena. We know we exist- because we have parts of ourselves that we can not explain to others- and that people can't willfully see. As much as we are so interconnected to one another we are that much separated(if not more at times).
The self starts at birth- you are born into a body that is no longer physically connected to a mother. Eventually the brain begins to separate itself from the environment and others around it. Part of me truly feels the environment has almost a determining effect on people- but another part of me denies this. Denies because the individual cannot be known before they show them-self. For instance- two siblings can have the same parents(very similar DNA) and the same environment(they grow up side by side) But- as adults they are night and day, so different they cannot begin to comprehend one another. This to me must be product of the self. People do have separate existences that makes them unique in how they experience the world, how they process information, and how they decide to react to the world.
Two friends and I discussed yesterday the changing self. When people change so much from year to year or even day to day- all physically, mentally, emotionally, at what point does this person become someone new? Do we simply call people by the same name for convenience? Is there an essential part of us that stays the same? Is it the self that decides to change or is it people and environment that inspire in us a change?
At any given point we may meet people who dramatically change us- for better or worse. Without these individuals maybe these changes may have never happened. Maybe that affecting individual would have been replaced by someone very similar to them who created the same changes within us. But because they are the individuals who did effect us- how are we connected to them now? and would we otherwise be who we are now?
The self to me is the denial of the vital connection that feeds everyday life, and it is the quiet you only experience as you sit alone in silence. That feeling that you are alone and its scary, or you are alone and the world as the giant other is beautiful and not yours- not you. I love life. I love me and its difficult for me to think of myself without others who have changed me oh so much. Sometimes I feel like these are only questions for God: Why me? Why do we exist so separate? How the hell did you create all this?
Speaking of God. There's the whole other topic of how are god and self connected? Is it outside of us? in the environment? in the heavens(where ever those might be)? I truly believe god lives within us. And while we can feel utterly alone- god is there maybe feeling alone too. Ego technically is a soft scientific topic and now that I have drifted in to the metaphysical I will wrap it up. x)
I hope this is satisfying to my beautiful critics. I don't have a concrete opinion because the topic is so large. These are simply the thoughts that come out when I think of Ego.
MAS! x)
The self for me is a contradiction and an unexplained phenomena. We know we exist- because we have parts of ourselves that we can not explain to others- and that people can't willfully see. As much as we are so interconnected to one another we are that much separated(if not more at times).
The self starts at birth- you are born into a body that is no longer physically connected to a mother. Eventually the brain begins to separate itself from the environment and others around it. Part of me truly feels the environment has almost a determining effect on people- but another part of me denies this. Denies because the individual cannot be known before they show them-self. For instance- two siblings can have the same parents(very similar DNA) and the same environment(they grow up side by side) But- as adults they are night and day, so different they cannot begin to comprehend one another. This to me must be product of the self. People do have separate existences that makes them unique in how they experience the world, how they process information, and how they decide to react to the world.
Two friends and I discussed yesterday the changing self. When people change so much from year to year or even day to day- all physically, mentally, emotionally, at what point does this person become someone new? Do we simply call people by the same name for convenience? Is there an essential part of us that stays the same? Is it the self that decides to change or is it people and environment that inspire in us a change?
At any given point we may meet people who dramatically change us- for better or worse. Without these individuals maybe these changes may have never happened. Maybe that affecting individual would have been replaced by someone very similar to them who created the same changes within us. But because they are the individuals who did effect us- how are we connected to them now? and would we otherwise be who we are now?
The self to me is the denial of the vital connection that feeds everyday life, and it is the quiet you only experience as you sit alone in silence. That feeling that you are alone and its scary, or you are alone and the world as the giant other is beautiful and not yours- not you. I love life. I love me and its difficult for me to think of myself without others who have changed me oh so much. Sometimes I feel like these are only questions for God: Why me? Why do we exist so separate? How the hell did you create all this?
Speaking of God. There's the whole other topic of how are god and self connected? Is it outside of us? in the environment? in the heavens(where ever those might be)? I truly believe god lives within us. And while we can feel utterly alone- god is there maybe feeling alone too. Ego technically is a soft scientific topic and now that I have drifted in to the metaphysical I will wrap it up. x)
I hope this is satisfying to my beautiful critics. I don't have a concrete opinion because the topic is so large. These are simply the thoughts that come out when I think of Ego.
MAS! x)
Monday, November 7, 2011
EGO! Who are you? xD
"The heaviest of burdens crushes us, we sink beneath it, it pins us to the ground. But in love poetry of every age, the woman longs to be weighed down by the man's body. The heaviest of burdens is therefore simultaneously an image of life's most intense fulfillment. The heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become. Conversely, the absolute absence of burden causes man to be lighter than air, to soar into the heights, take leave of the earth and his earthly being, and become only half real, his movements as free as they are insignificant. What then shall we choose? Weight or lightness?" ~ Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being
I am a huge fan of Existentialism- I love Nietzsche, Sartre, and Kierkegaard <3 <3 <3 BUUUUT there's this great book by Milan Kundera titled The Unbearable Lightness of Being. I haven't fully completed the book, but from the parts that I am in love with- I interpret his idea of life and love are deeply connected. The three main characters that I will mention are Tomas, Tereza, and Sabina. They are the main characters so far and they are written so well <3 so beautifully flawed. <3 <3 <3
This philosophy is wrapped up in a story of heavy and light characters. Heavy being people who hold on to life in such a way that the love they express can seem burdensome at times. Lightness for Kundera is the ability to go through life almost disconnected from the ones we love and the world in such a way that pure enjoyment can be achieved. He seems to be confused- or maybe just shows that life is full of both heavy and light whether we would like to choose one or the other. Tereza for me in this book is the force to be reckoned with because she is the heavy character and affects Tomas in an uncontrollable way. Tomas at the same time is beautiful in his examination of life- but there is something in Tereza that is precious- and you can see it in the way Tomas loves her, even as he has sex with many other women.
Tereza's character reminds me of myself at past time in my life(thank goodness). Not to say she isn't ridiculously beautiful in all of her chaos. Her Ego is so incredibly fragile. She seeks herself and fulfillment in Tomas. Milan writes her character broken by others and she is both brave and cowardly at the same time. Obviously she is intense. x) She would rather suffer through her agonizing existence with Tomas than die- even as she prays for death.
Sabina is one of the many, many mistresses. She is beautiful and broken of course. She looks for herself and very definite traits in her lovers. She is the character who experiences the unbearable lightness of being, the longing for a burden for a weight- for her life to mix with others and to make a difference in the world. Tomas appears to be the one who brings her as close as she gets to earth- but after his death she has no one.
Late into the book Milan speaks of the "I" or the Ego and I realized that the characters all revolve around a sense of who they are defined or not defined by others. And how that reliance seems to debilitate each character in a special way. Here I asked myself "Who am I without the one's I love?" And another separate question is "What would I do without the people I love?" The small differences here in questions say 1. We are who we are because other people create us, or 2. We live our lives with people we love, and our interactions with those people mean very much to us. (and not having those people in our lives would make our lives significantly less good).
This may seem like a silly blog to write because some might think it's common sense- "Of course you should not define yourself using other people." But the "I" is such an obscure thing. Who are we apart from the people we care about? I have an internal battle that says- life without these people would be absolutely unbearable and without ever knowing them I would not be the same "I". That same "I" could not die if there were more people on earth who needed help- there is this something inside of myself that lives to benefit the quality of life of people who really need it. Not because it is easy or because it makes me feel good always- but that is must be done. (I don't know where that comes from)
I know that not everyone is driven by a clear internal voice. And so I have myself and have met others who've become lost at times in the love of one or a few individuals. While that existence is beautiful beyond words- it seems to suffer more. It seems a bit more lost. A bit more in need of rescue. A life on the verge of death. More real because it's existence can't be ignored. It can't be passed over without noticing the immense impact it carries on the individuals that experience it.
This blog is only written to maybe inspire the readers to ponder "Who are you aside from the people you love?" (Can you think of yourself without them?), "What would you be without these people?", "Who or what traits do you feel define your "I" or ego?" Happy pondering loves. xD
MAS
I am a huge fan of Existentialism- I love Nietzsche, Sartre, and Kierkegaard <3 <3 <3 BUUUUT there's this great book by Milan Kundera titled The Unbearable Lightness of Being. I haven't fully completed the book, but from the parts that I am in love with- I interpret his idea of life and love are deeply connected. The three main characters that I will mention are Tomas, Tereza, and Sabina. They are the main characters so far and they are written so well <3 so beautifully flawed. <3 <3 <3
This philosophy is wrapped up in a story of heavy and light characters. Heavy being people who hold on to life in such a way that the love they express can seem burdensome at times. Lightness for Kundera is the ability to go through life almost disconnected from the ones we love and the world in such a way that pure enjoyment can be achieved. He seems to be confused- or maybe just shows that life is full of both heavy and light whether we would like to choose one or the other. Tereza for me in this book is the force to be reckoned with because she is the heavy character and affects Tomas in an uncontrollable way. Tomas at the same time is beautiful in his examination of life- but there is something in Tereza that is precious- and you can see it in the way Tomas loves her, even as he has sex with many other women.
Tereza's character reminds me of myself at past time in my life(thank goodness). Not to say she isn't ridiculously beautiful in all of her chaos. Her Ego is so incredibly fragile. She seeks herself and fulfillment in Tomas. Milan writes her character broken by others and she is both brave and cowardly at the same time. Obviously she is intense. x) She would rather suffer through her agonizing existence with Tomas than die- even as she prays for death.
Sabina is one of the many, many mistresses. She is beautiful and broken of course. She looks for herself and very definite traits in her lovers. She is the character who experiences the unbearable lightness of being, the longing for a burden for a weight- for her life to mix with others and to make a difference in the world. Tomas appears to be the one who brings her as close as she gets to earth- but after his death she has no one.
Late into the book Milan speaks of the "I" or the Ego and I realized that the characters all revolve around a sense of who they are defined or not defined by others. And how that reliance seems to debilitate each character in a special way. Here I asked myself "Who am I without the one's I love?" And another separate question is "What would I do without the people I love?" The small differences here in questions say 1. We are who we are because other people create us, or 2. We live our lives with people we love, and our interactions with those people mean very much to us. (and not having those people in our lives would make our lives significantly less good).
This may seem like a silly blog to write because some might think it's common sense- "Of course you should not define yourself using other people." But the "I" is such an obscure thing. Who are we apart from the people we care about? I have an internal battle that says- life without these people would be absolutely unbearable and without ever knowing them I would not be the same "I". That same "I" could not die if there were more people on earth who needed help- there is this something inside of myself that lives to benefit the quality of life of people who really need it. Not because it is easy or because it makes me feel good always- but that is must be done. (I don't know where that comes from)
I know that not everyone is driven by a clear internal voice. And so I have myself and have met others who've become lost at times in the love of one or a few individuals. While that existence is beautiful beyond words- it seems to suffer more. It seems a bit more lost. A bit more in need of rescue. A life on the verge of death. More real because it's existence can't be ignored. It can't be passed over without noticing the immense impact it carries on the individuals that experience it.
This blog is only written to maybe inspire the readers to ponder "Who are you aside from the people you love?" (Can you think of yourself without them?), "What would you be without these people?", "Who or what traits do you feel define your "I" or ego?" Happy pondering loves. xD
MAS
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