This morning I excitedly opened my Chopra and to my dismay this rinky dink quote came out:
" Love doesn't need reason. It speaks from
the irrational wisdom of the heart."
Honestly, my first emotion was anger. And than let down. And I stubbornly closed my app and reasoned with myself that Deepak is just a person and he makes mistakes too. In all of my stubborn pride, I moved throughout my day trying to forget how silly I felt this quote was.
I felt it silly because on the daily and in my past relationships I've felt every excuse love has to offer for the pain that it wields. How can "Love", "Real Love" create such ugly, hideous, and torturous results???
In judgement and in self preservation I began to act in fear. I'd say that my almost two years in LA very much helped build my emotional armor. But I didn't feel very strong. In fact, I felt so hollow. Like I was no longer myself, or anyone resembling who I'd like to be.
While letting the day unfold, I wondered into "The BookStore" in downtown Galveston. For the second time in two days, I moved toward the Spirituality section for "guidance" books. As I asked the store clerk for his opinion, I blatantly ignored his suggestion while coming across Paulo Coehlo's "By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept". I bought it almost without reading the criticisms or summary. I already new it wasn't an instruction manual and, lets be real, it's Coehlo. In my opinion everything he writes is Gold. I am just so happy to be inspired by his beautiful imagery and soulful thoughts.
While feeling angsty about a hasty decision I had literally just made, I began to read, and specifically this page made me weep:
"Remember that human wisdom is madness in the eyes of God. But if we listen to the child who lives in our soul, our eyes will grow bright. If we do not lose contact with that child, we will not lose contact with life."
And then the Deepak quote came back to me
" Love doesn't need reason.
It speaks from the irrational wisdom
of the heart."
So saying all that, I realized it is so easy to live self-consciously, or to live in fear we call precaution. We live is Logic and Reason and others smile and approve as we walk around feeling smug and very adult and honestly, very bored and predictable lives. I am not talking about everyone. I'm mostly talking from my perspective, and I realized somewhere I thought I was doing okay. Doing much better than when I was in California. And honestly I really and truly am, but that still isn't enough. So I undid the mistake I made. I was honest with myself and honest with someone I wanted to be honest with to begin with, but in fear I lied to.
My new resolution is to be completely comfortable with the truth. The truth that my emotions are not always rational. And no one else needs to approve of that. I am all the approval I need. Being honest with myself and the people I love is the only way I want to live. From now on, I am vowing to be honest with myself, without judgement or shame. This last part is the tricky for me. I am a very critical person. And more on myself than with others.
So lastly, I received this email from a nifty travel blog and website:
"To thine own self be true." But saying all this, I hope to inspire others with all this love the universe has tossed at me. When everyone else is gone and you're alone with your thoughts, shouldn't you feel accomplished, pleased, and relieved at the success you've made in your own opinion. I look forward to living with less worry and less concern for what the world says about who I am, what I think, or how I feel. I am so in love with today and relieved I feel the way I do. I am ready to let my physical and metaphorical ship sail and I am oh so excited to explore the rest of my life.
Peace and Love
Mas
