I think I am getting used to not having friends like Texas. The large population of homeless people is tragic. A large population that seems unhealed, a wound that sits in the sun and in the cold, alone, without family or friends- starved, beaten, and cursed.
Being broke seems silly to complain about when I have food to eat and a place to sleep.
I came to the realization recently that I am capable of being a very ugly person. There is something I found in myself that became irate with the inability to help people when I see there are so many in dire need. Not to mention there is a very large wealth, race, and class disparity in Los Angeles- and the rich are more rich than I have ever seen. So many of the poor here have drug and mental health problems. Many of the homeless were deinstitutionalized from psychiatric hospitals in the 1960's in a reform by the Kennedy Admin.
More info here:
http://www.heritage.org/research/reports/2011/12/how-to-bring-sanity-to-our-mental-health-system
My lesson recently is to deal with the inner turmoil myself. I have reached out to a few people and God is giving me tiny shreds of light. I have had enough tiny shreds to spark my soul back to life. It's as if God is saying- "Do it yourself, wimp! " Haha. I knew as I sat in sadness and impotent rage that I would have to get back up on my own. That is why I moved here. I just had no idea what was waiting for me, in this city and inside of myself.
With help from my amigo Jeff, I rediscovered the story of Peter and his denial of Christ three times.
The most beautiful part of the story to me is God's forgiveness. He than asks Peter three times if he loves him, to which Peter says " Lord, you know all things, you know that I love you."
I guess I feel a bit like Peter now. I have been unable to put faith in any entity. Unable to pray.
But as I am getting up- I haven't been able to get up alone. Some people may call this weak, but my explanation is that this world makes no sense without God. I have never been an Atheist. I have been closer to gnostic.
Here's to new beginnings, and forgiveness.
Peace, <3 MAS
