You Will

You will find yourself awake too late, in a hotel room, in the valley: contemplating the calm drivers who take the road with you here as we all travel to schools, meetings, work.

You will read a very old blog post and be extremely impressed by your past self and also amazed at who you are now. Don't lie- the other blog post you wrote about a year ago still brings you embarrassment. Who you have been in life can be cool- and very uncool. Try not to be too hard on you. You try real hard most of the time.

You will be hungry- you won't know what for: Love, food, intimacy, bits of the past, the future that lays before you, heaven that lays within you. . . or all of these things.

You will see cheek bones that remind you of your sunshine and you miss that sunshine. You will hope he comes to himself soon. Until then- prayer is the consolation.

A sweet girl will spill her fear of the her childhood dream after falling into the open ocean and you will assist in her journey of facing her fears for the sake of her future. As she leaves, she kisses you on the cheek- and you yearn for the best friend from 6th grade.

You will know your 6th grade friend and you have not seen each other in years and you are not in 6th grade anymore- and communication is seriously the most difficult part of life. The tower of babble was not just for different tongues- but for different brains- different hearts- and different emotions that are not the same for any two people. You will feel so far from others that understanding anything you hear, read, or even think will often be the things that keep you up at night- writing into space. . .

You will realize that poor figures in life will haunt you if you do not consciously acknowledge your hurt- your actions-your responsibility, and the hurt you caused.

Life will walk away from you if you do not keep moving, keep loving, keep growing, keep writing. Life matters so much more when you share it. Not to fret. Life is asking you to move forward.

And You Will.

<3

Setting Sail in Life and in Love

             This morning I was very excited to get my "Daily Deepak". For a week now I have continued to wake daily and be inspired by a quote from the very wise and famous Deepak Chopra.

This morning I excitedly opened my Chopra and to my dismay this rinky dink quote came out:
                    " Love doesn't need reason. It speaks from
                      the irrational wisdom of the heart."

Honestly, my first emotion was anger. And than let down. And I stubbornly closed my app and reasoned with myself that Deepak is just a person and he makes mistakes too. In all of my stubborn pride, I moved throughout my day trying to forget how silly I felt this quote was.

I felt it silly because on the daily and in my past relationships I've felt every excuse love has to offer for the pain that it wields. How can "Love", "Real Love" create such ugly, hideous, and torturous results???

In judgement and in self preservation I began to act in fear. I'd say that my almost two years in LA very much helped build my emotional armor. But I didn't feel very strong. In fact, I felt so hollow. Like I was no longer myself, or anyone resembling who I'd like to be.

While letting the day unfold, I wondered into "The BookStore" in downtown Galveston. For the second time in two days, I moved toward the Spirituality section for "guidance" books. As I asked the store clerk for his opinion, I blatantly ignored his suggestion while coming across Paulo Coehlo's "By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept". I bought it almost without reading the criticisms or summary. I already new it wasn't an instruction manual and, lets be real, it's Coehlo. In my opinion everything he writes is Gold. I am just so happy to be inspired by his beautiful imagery and soulful thoughts.

While feeling angsty about a hasty decision I had literally just made, I began to read, and specifically this page made me weep:

"Remember that human wisdom is madness in the eyes of God. But if we listen to the child who lives in our soul, our eyes will grow bright. If we do not lose contact with that child, we will not lose contact with life."

And then the Deepak quote came back to me

 " Love doesn't need reason. 

It speaks from the irrational wisdom

of the heart."

So saying all that, I realized it is so easy to live self-consciously, or to live in fear we call precaution. We live is Logic and Reason and others smile and approve as we walk around feeling smug and very adult and honestly, very bored and predictable lives. I am not talking about everyone. I'm mostly talking from my perspective, and I realized somewhere I thought I was doing okay. Doing much better than when I was in California. And honestly I really and truly am, but that still isn't enough. So I undid the mistake I made. I was honest with myself and honest with someone I wanted to be honest with to begin with, but in fear I lied to.

My new resolution is to be completely comfortable with the truth. The truth that my emotions are not always rational. And no one else needs to approve of that. I am all the approval I need. Being honest with myself and the people I love is the only way I want to live. From now on, I am vowing to be honest with myself, without judgement or shame. This last part is the tricky for me. I am a very critical person. And more on myself than with others. 

So lastly, I received this email from a nifty travel blog and website:

"To thine own self be true."  But saying all this, I hope to inspire others with all this love the universe has tossed at me. When everyone else is gone and you're alone with your thoughts, shouldn't you feel accomplished, pleased, and relieved at the success you've made in your own opinion. I look forward to living with less worry and less concern for what the world says about who I am, what I think, or how I feel. I am so in love with today and relieved I feel the way I do. I am ready to let my physical and metaphorical ship sail and I am oh so excited to explore the rest of my life.

Peace and Love

Mas

Los Angeles, God, and Myself.

This city is nuts. And it is beautiful like no place I have ever been. It's the fact that the beauty I find- I find so unexpectedly.

I think I am getting used to not having friends like Texas. The large population of homeless people is tragic. A large population that seems unhealed, a wound that sits in the sun and in the cold, alone, without family or friends- starved, beaten, and cursed.

Being broke seems silly to complain about when  I have food to eat and a place to sleep.

I came to the realization recently that I am capable of being a very ugly person. There is something I found in myself that became irate with the inability to help people when I see there are so many in dire need. Not to mention there is a very large wealth, race, and class disparity in Los Angeles- and the rich are more rich than I have ever seen. So many of the poor here have drug and mental health problems. Many of the homeless were deinstitutionalized from psychiatric hospitals in the 1960's in a reform by the Kennedy Admin.
More info here:
http://www.heritage.org/research/reports/2011/12/how-to-bring-sanity-to-our-mental-health-system

My lesson recently is to deal with the inner turmoil myself. I have reached out to a few people and God is giving me tiny shreds of light. I have had enough tiny shreds to spark my soul back to life. It's as if God is saying- "Do it yourself, wimp! " Haha.  I knew as I sat in sadness and impotent rage that I would have to get back up on my own. That is why  I moved here. I just had no idea what was waiting for me, in this city and inside of myself.

With help from my amigo Jeff,  I rediscovered the story of Peter and his denial of Christ three times.
The most beautiful part of the story to me is God's forgiveness. He than asks Peter three times if he loves him, to which Peter says " Lord, you know all things, you know that I love you."
I guess I feel a bit like Peter now. I have been unable to put faith in any entity. Unable to pray.
But as I am getting up- I haven't been able to get up alone. Some people may call this weak, but my explanation is that this world makes no sense without God. I have never been an Atheist. I have been closer to gnostic.

Here's to new beginnings, and forgiveness.

Peace, <3 MAS

Busy Hands Blessed Hearts

Today I found myself in complete bliss. I have often found that making furniture, cleaning, painting, and running help me zen out, but while I was cleaning pair after pair of nasty old shoes, I was completely taken in by my work. For a small catch up into my personal life, I just moved to Los Angeles, CA, and am now working for a very cool nonprofit that happens to also be founded in the Catholic faith. I will not dissect the relationship between God commanding us to do good, and us doing something in the name of God for x, y, or z- because I am completely infatuated with all of the lovely people I work with(they are all very lovely Catholic people- and this is more with the Zen of existence right now). 

I have always found myself very taken with Catholicism and with the difference between the Catholic bible and the New King James Version. For instance, there is a story I heard this week about a woman name Veronica who wipes Jesus's face as he is carrying his cross. She happens to be a holy woman( nifty little detail). I also think many Catholics believe this clothe still exists somewhere with Jesus's image still intact.

Many people have asked me recently, " How do you sort dirty clothes all day??! I would be so bored!"  I respond, "I love my job XD!!" Truth be told, all of the clothes aren't dirty. Some are brand new. And honestly sometimes people donate their bags of garbage. I cut open three bags of trash this week. Obviously very rude or a gross mistake. I have done tons of customer service jobs since I was 14 years old. The best part of my job is that I don't have to deal with people who are angry about tacos, or ridiculous miniscule details concerning food, or coffee, or coworkers who don't do their jobs, or angry crazy power tripping bosses, or boredom.

I work with a great cast and crew. We all do our jobs and are grateful for the work, and the living we make helping the homeless of LA and the not so middle class families that shop there. I love the methodical categorization and I love examining clothes. From the fabric they are made of to the way they are sewn, to the size and shape and small details. I love to imagine the lives of the people who wore them before they were donated to us, or the personalities that made each article come to life. I often wonder if someone died in that pair of pants or packed them hoping to go on a trip and some how the bag got lost and eventually sent to us. I wonder if someone was conceived or or born in some of our clothes. I think I love doing this because in reality these things must be the case.

I know some readers will be very grossed out, but maybe I should be a nurse one day because the body doesn't really gross me out too often. I wear gloves and my hands are often dry from washing. To me there is so much beauty that we over look day to day. From the lack of gratitude we find in living and working,  to the details that are precious to me. The unraveling hem of a skirt, the one baby shoe that lost its match, the discarded coat that still has much life in it. The very funny thing is- normally I almost despise these material things. I could never again work in a clothing store like Wall-Mart or Dilliards.  The thing that makes these clothes precious is that they already have stories. I meditated all day on why my work- the work that is quite similar to so many other jobs I have had- makes me feel elated now while often in the past I was miserable.

I realized knowing the organization exists for the good of the community gave my brain free range to think directly about how my service was helping others. I did this so much so that the future of the clothes began to fade into stories that the clothes had already had. I feel extremely connected to other people as I touch all of the articles of clothing and in that sense I feel connected to God. I am extremely grateful for my job and all that is has and will continue to bring me. I am still in the process of Peace Corps Application- and this job could not be a better sense knowing and feeling I am exactly where I belong.

Peace and Love,

Mas

Faith. A revered and despised word/action/belief. . . is my topic today. I will specifically concentrate on religious faith. Obviously there appears at first glance to be a huge difference in faith in a specific person or group of people, v. faith in institutions/society/science/belief systems outside of religion, v faith in the unseen.

I personally have the opinion that Faith in God is beautiful because I cannot explain it. The reason I can believe in God is because I cannot put into words what I feel about God- and I do not know who God is. I know that if I could explain it to another individual, I would cease to believe. Because the concept of God is outside of what I can comprehend- there is comfort in knowing that much of the unseen universe is not understood by so many individuals who live on earth. While humans theorize about what might be out there in the vast space that is the other, not our world, there can be no definite answer because it is beyond our capacity- to reach it- feel it- mark it- with our always want to know/define/answer/make sense of. Thank God there are parts of space we cannot reach because in the unknown is where my idea of God exists.

Readers or nonreaders may say- "Más, that doesn't make sense. You only believe because you and others cannot prove your the idea of God wrong. That doesn't prove you right." Indeed- logic and science ask that a theory be proved wrong, not right, to verify that it be true. And there we are! Faith. XD I can't be proven wrong- because my idea of God can exist within science, or outside of it.

The more peculiar thing to me in examining other people's faith in God is the want from individuals to explain and defend their belief to others, as if to win an argument. And in these moments I believe the individual has lost faith- or at least partly. The individual can explain why they have faith, but that explanation doesn't usually change the other's set of beliefs. I believe faith shouldn't be argued at someone. (At least I have not seen it work very often, and just because someone wins an argument doesn't prove anything. As in logic- the conclusion can be valid, but unsound. In my opinion arguing damages the idea of faith and the essence that many argue God to be.)

Many people argue about who God is as they choose from any number of written book- and the  opinion about which book is most correct. I find it ironic that most people born near a dominant religion cling to what they are most familiar with, but never assume that that is the reason they chose the book or the God they did. (At the same time who am I? I don't use a book to define God- and I do not agree with maybe anyone about who God is. I just have the idea- and a world- and myself.) Because I do not use a book to define God or my faith, people find my belief maybe more absurd than other religions/systems of belief. But I generally keep my beliefs about God to myself- and that is also very different from many sects of different religions where spreading the belief of God is sometimes encouraged or mandatory.

Even as I find the idea of explaining religious/metaphysical faith incredulous/contradictory to the action, I find the struggle to explain those beliefs striking and oh so beautiful. I find that the argument with others is often an argument with the self. Faith in the unseen is irrational on all accounts and we as logical creatures grasp for a way to show others and to show ourselves that we have not lost our minds. When really- we have not- we just cannot prove "beyond a show of a doubt" because we doubt. . . we are Thomas. We are human. I am so in love with the enigma that is the human. We want always to feel right! That our beliefs are the best beliefs! And that is why we have them. And when we are faced with someone telling us we are wrong- anger and other random emotions bursts forth. And then war of some kind begins- inside and outside ourselves. In the name of being correct. In the name of faith- in all of the disparity we have created it to be. I do not love the war that we create, but our inability to truly examine ourselves is amazing.

I believe that we should be open for knowing that everything we believe can't possibly be right. We are never beyond learning. And when individuals grasp so tight to science or to religion there is a part of the self and the world that is ignored.So we have two derivations: one with the conclusion "God Exists" and the other "God Doesn't Exist" - and neither of these can be proven valid and sound. So belief in either is faith. The only lack of faith the the suspension of belief.


That, to me, is beautiful. . . even as it is chaos and nonsense. X)

later,

Más

Deism v. Christianity (an overview)

 As most people reading this blog we know Christianity is a large category that then divides into many small denominations of varying belief.

Disclaimer: There are so many different denominations of Christianity- I am not at all saying that all of them believe in things I mention in the next paragraph. Also- they might have different beliefs about the next paragraph that I may not mention. I do plan to do other blogs on specific denominations in more detail.

As a larger group for the sake of this blog at the request of a dear friend- I will label most of Christianity(which is not every denomination/ exclusively only believing these sets of beliefs but) tends to believe in Miracles as the healing or the intervening of God. The Trinity to many Christians is the Father, Son, and Holy ghost/Divine Creator-Human self- and the Holy Ghost is the part of God that is with the believers- helps communicate God's message to them- an essence if you will. All of these three entities are separate beings who make up the one Almighty God. Many Christians believe there are sets of rules to follow that do not necessarily get you into heaven, but may help- like the ten commandments, baptism, sacraments, and communion. There many or none of these rules in some sects of Christianity.

Deists(there are more than one kind) generally believe in one god, but in no way believe in miracles, or that god intervenes in the world- only that god put the wheels into motion and god exists inside of nature or the natural. God to a deist is not found through epiphany or revelation, but through reason and that is god's greatest gift(in their opinion). No dogma and no mystery, but god created and governs the universe.
Deism came about when religious people were the elite and reason was looked down upon/hoarded by the wealthy. As we know people of power can sometimes misrepresent something like religion- but that doesn't make the religion the reason people suck, right? But, I can get why they'd want something else to believe.

I have doubts about Christianity because I am not sure which branch to follow and other Eastern Religions have similar messages that I like, but even better- there are less Buddhists running to funerals with hate signs or blowing up buildings or shooting innocent people( and the Chinese Government is committing genocide against them right this moment- so if anyone has a reason to do something extreme- surely it would be people who are being wiped off the map- the end of their god(literally Buddha will not be reincarnated into a human if he does not die in Tibet and he is exiled right now ) and people like them- their future-families-livelyhood etc etc.?) I am not Buddhist- just not Christian.

My problem with Deism is an age old logical one. How do you say that god exists to create the world, but now only sits back to watch- what reason would a being do that? My search for God has always held the question or questions like "What kind of being would do, allow, create x, y, z?"  It doesn't make sense why God would not help if it could? But as you can see it's also the question to Christians- if God intervenes sometimes- why doesn't it all the time? I do realize that hypothetically God might need us to learn things on our own. But, there does not appear to be enough reason for me to assume God exists, but that for some reason it has no involvement in what it has created. I guess this might be as arbitrary as thinking it should have involvement, but then there we are I guess.

As you might see- to me God would not be worth worshiping if it was not good. And then, for me personally- there is right outside of religion and wrong besides what a book might say. If someone could some how show me that God did not exist- it would still be wrong to kill another person- or torture a sentient being for no reason.

The other problem it the natural problem?  What is the definition of natural? Is it a tree? Does it matter if the tree has been genetically modified? Does it matter if a person planted it? Are wild and natural the same? If a tree was planted and grew into a sprout all by itself, but was pruned by a gardener- is it now unnatural? Is science unnatural? machines? Stem Cell research? Are humans natural? Homosexuality? Racism?

Just because something is natural does that imply it is the way things should be? Is Medicine natural? are drugs natural? Is the natural x,y, or z the good or the right thing. (In philosophy good and right are not the same things. I don't feel like explaining that here so wiki it if you want to know X)

As you can see from the head ache that I just gave you- Deist imply that natural is the good or the right thing.
Maybe I will not find a religion because I analyze too much? I do realize at some point religion just takes faith. And I guess I forgot how to do that or stopped doing that or maybe never did that and thought I did?

So there you have it- a few big distinctions between Deism and Christianity.

Mas

Faith

In Descartes Meditations he doubts his experience of the world, everything he sees, feels, tastes, smells, everything that is processed by the mind. Some people say (after Kant's Critique of Pure Reason) that this can't be doubted or shouldn't be doubted so that we can live day to day, Pure Reason should explain away doubt. However. . . 

Descartes asks himself and the reader how we ever know the difference between real life and a trick by the devil? Today's version of that statement would be how do we not know we aren't living in the Matrix. The reason I am bringing this up is because people have stopped thinking about the faith we put into everyday, but question faith we put in the metaphysical. Metaphysical is the realm of God and faith outside of the universal set of beliefs that society has stated to be held as true: The sky, the ground, people we talk to, etc. 

This short blog is the start of an exploration in faith. I was sitting at a lovely restaurant with two friends and friend uno was complaining about a friend becoming religious and less open minded to her as a friend. Her friend specifically told her she didn't want to be friends with her anymore and that she was the devil. Friend dos proceeded to tell her that her own view was closed to her friend's perspective, and that we all have faith that is not understood by even ourselves. That is we have no reason to believe our physical world and not our other experiences like god and the metaphysical. A very thin (very convenient) veil of belief holds our world in place.  <3 This specific moment is an exemplary one as to why I am very much in intellectual love with friend dos. He didn't mean to be a dick- or rude- he genuinely meant what he said. 

Thus- questioning reality begins X) maybe a little less intense- questioning what everyone doesn't experience day to day commences. I am taking requests if anyone has them on subjects in religion, spirituality, and the metaphysical. If there are no requests I will proceed with topics I am curious about. X) 

MAS